Behind Closed Doors
A couple of years ago I found myself at a crossroads. I was either going to continue to give my time and emotions (among other things) to a “situationship” or I was going to stop a vicious cycle that I somehow got wrapped into in my undergrad years. I chose the later.
Between now and then, I’ve had to ask myself some really tough questions. I’ve had to evaluate how I see myself and along the way I’ve discovered that I didn’t value myself at all during that time. My twenty year old self was searching for something and I never found it in another person….
As I’m sitting here typing this I can’t help but to smile because these revelations used to take the wind out of me. At one point it crushed me until I realized that I had another decision to make. I had to decide if I was going to let shame consume me or start to build a better relationship with myself. (Yes…with myself.) I wasn’t willing to run away from my insecurities any longer or the thoughts that led me into situations that left me drained emotionally and mentally.
Sometimes I think to myself that self discovery saved me from myself. Making the conscious decision to learn from past decisions helped me understand who I was then and who I wanted to be point forward. Ultimately I know with all my heart that sitting in my mess and talking to God like never before changed something on the inside of me.
I titled this blog post “Behind Closed Doors” because I believe that there is something about doing “the work,” whatever that looks like for us individually. It’s the work we do that no one else sees that can change our lives. It’s asking ourselves hard questions. It’s facing our truth, no matter how ugly it is. It’s taking accountability while also giving ourselves some grace along the way. It’s the conscious decision to to be better today than we were tomorrow. It’s seeking God and not things or people for the answers that we need.
One hard truth that I have had to acknowledge is the fact that for most of my adult life I was chasing all the wrong things. I gave one particular person more of me than I could afford to give and the one thing I can never back no matter how much work I do on myself is time. I can’t get the time back that I spent settling for something that never gave my life any value. I can’t get the time back that I spent settling for being someone’s option and never their priority…
I don’t say these things to beat myself up. I’ve done the work to heal and I’ve found peace in knowing that I am no longer that girl anymore. Facing my truth has been a huge part of my journey. Taking the spotlight off of how another person treated me allowed me to truly examine how I treated myself well first and foremost. Today, I don’t have all the answers and I’m not chasing perfection. Instead I choose me. I choose growth. I choose self love. I choose to see myself the way God sees me and that is from a lense of love and worthiness.
Before I let you go…..
There will always be value in taking accountability for who we’ve been and who we are today. There will always be power in taking an active role in finding peace from our past. There will always be freedom in facing hard truths behind closed doors so that we can show up to the world (and ourselves) whole and healed and authentic.
True story……
K R Y S T L E
